Sophia Nicole

Ok, so I wrote this post hours after hearing the news about my niece, Sophia. I was still very raw with emotions...which is why this post is pretty raw with emotions. I wasn't going to post it, but after talking to all the people I did this weekend and after reading blogs by moms who had actually gone through the same thing with their baby I decided it was ok to share where my head and heart were. I know I'm not the only one to go through these emotions and I know I won't be the last. Grieving is natural and different for everyone. My strongest emotions were anger and sadness.

Sophia is my step-sister, Alana's, daughter. Alana and her husband Richard are one of my favorite couples. Its always great to see them and spend afternoons or dinner with them. They live in Texas so we only get to see them when we're visiting, but its always a great part of our trip. They have a son, Christopher, who is exactly 6 weeks older than Raya. Kallen is exactly 6 weeks and 6 days older than Sophia. How cool is that?! Last Thanksgiving Alana and I were both pregnant. She didn't know what she was having yet, but we knew by next summer the number of grandkids would double! Sophia was born June 9th. A healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl.

Saturday morning my Dad called early and when I asked him how he was and he told me, "Well, not so good," I knew it was bad. He told me Sophia didn't wake up last night. I just cried. All I could say was "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness." And just cry. How does this happen? Why does this happen? This isn't fair! Everything DOESN'T happen for a reason. This WASN'T in gods plan. She's NOT in a better place. She needs to be here. She's brand new! She has a big brother that needs her. She has parents that will never be the same without her. This isn't fair! Why does life do this?
My heart is absolutely broken. Broken for Alana and Richard. Broken for Sophia's PawPaw and G-Daddy and Grandma. Broken for Christopher. Broken for her Aunt and Uncle. Its just horrific. This is the worst heartbreak and pain I've ever felt in my life, and its not even my baby. Being a Mom is so scary....scary for this exact reason. You're not suppose to outlive your child. You're not suppose to lose your brand new baby girl.
All I can do is cry. And a lot of it is because I'm just sad, but even more of it is because I'm devastated for Alana and Richard. My heart hurts for them. There's nothing that can be done to make them feel better. I'm sad because when they leave to drive home they'll only have one of their babies with them. I'm sad because their lives will forever be different. I'm sad because of the pain they are in. I can't say I know how they are feeling, but I really can imagine it. If something happened to either of my kids I just couldn't take it. And knowing that theres no way to keep them completely safe and healthy makes me absolutely crazy. No one ever talks about this part of motherhood. About the scary parts that could happen. We live on our toes 24/7. Its a type of worry/hope/anxiety that I never knew existed until I had kids, and its one of the worst things about being a parent.
I'm angry the world works like this. I'm angry there's not a higher spirit that protects these little babies. I'm angry that nothing can be done!!! I'm painfully sad that people have to experience this kind of loss. I'm not a "pray-er" or very religious, but I pray with every being in my body that Alana and Richard and Christopher and Sophia's Grandparents and family and friends can have some kind of comfort. But honestly, what the hell could that be? What kind of comfort could possibly help them right now? I wish I lived closer. I wish there was something I could do then just hope and pray and send every good vibe I can think of their way. They are all on my mind and will continue to be.
I didn't think I could love a baby girl that I hadn't even met yet, but I do. And I'm sad for her. And I miss her. And she'll forever be on my mind and in my heart. Love you Sophia Nicole!

Big brother Christopher loving on his baby sister